Todd Turner: The unyoked podcast navigating the pain, process and possibilities after a christian divorce. Allow me some real talk. Here you are in a swirl. Life change, relief, stress, anger, joy, fear, excitement. But let me help guide you through some of the big events in the first 90 days of your singleness journey. There is so much happening in your world, some identifiable, but much not. Let someone who’s been further down the road help identify some of the milestones and the landmines of the first 90 days of divorce. Now, for those of you who are new to the Unyoked podcast, let me set the table quickly.
Although this divorce podcast is aimed at fellow christians, it is not for the purpose of telling God’s view of marriage or when God allows for divorce. There is plenty about that out there, and you can hear it during any sermon about marriage or divorce. This is not that. But as we stay here frequently, this podcast is a conversation about how we feel, not how we should feel. We talk about all the phases, the emotions, the grieving, the growing, the opportunities, the challenges and the frustrations of being single after a divorce. This is not the place to judge or to be judged for the state that we find ourselves in, although we do care about correct theology. Don’t get me wrong, but listen, when you’re going to a heroin addict, you don’t ask me if it believes the earth is 6000 years old when he’s all strung out, right? We don’t do that here either. We’re in the middle of some triage.
And this podcast is for those birds of a feather moment that sometimes only we who are unyoked can truly understand. So if you’re listening in, you may not understand it. That’s okay. But listen, the first 90 days after the ink dries, my first advice to you is not going to apply to everybody, but the principle certainly will. Your new life does not begin immediately. You are so far away from the new you, from stability. You have just made a giant decision that’s going to have some bumps ahead. Let’s get you started off on the right foot and not stepping on some avoidable landmines.
Many of you, just like most of us, are going to do some stupid things in this first 90 days. You are going to want to swing the pendulum to celebrate your newfound freedom. You’re going to look for happy places. You’re going to seek relief. You’re going to make quick changes. You may want to fill the empty holes in your life. If your ex was a couch potato, you may want to get out more. If you felt neglected. You may love the energy and the attention you get from being single or from dating. You have endured a lot. You just want to smile. For some of you, smile. For the first time in a long while, the dating apps just feel like a tempting, safe place just to look for new singles. It’s a place to window shop and see what’s out there. Listen, I was a single dad who lived in the country with a dad bod, and I had limited time to date. I wasn’t sure if anybody would ever be interested in me. And let me just tell you, if I can do it, you can do it. There are plenty of people looking for quality people to date and to marry. So let me just tell you, you will have your day in the sun. It’s not today.
And on a side note, those of us who are in the dating world won’t talk to anybody who’s been divorced for less than a year. We all know you are not ready, and we try to avoid you like the plague. The only ones who date you are the ones looking for fresh meat and fresh faces. Mark my words, it is not a safe place to window shop. It is a giant time waster and a bad place to be, especially during these first few months. The feelings of you being valued will still be there later. Don’t fill them in the wrong ways right now. Trust me on this one, okay? The worst advice I’ve ever heard, I can’t even believe I’m saying it is: The best way to get over a man is to get under another one. Goodness, no. You are in a hard place right now. You’re lonely. Your habits, your customs, your rhythm, your schedule are broken. You’re looking to find a solid step, a foothold, to feel comfortable again. A relationship isn’t the time or the place. Casual anything isn’t a healthy option right now. Focus on you and focus on your immediate family, if that’s applicable.
Guys, I’m talking to you here. Women just tribe better than men. They just do. Men, this is a hard road for you, maybe even harder than for most women. Women have girls night out. They talk on the phone. They chat over wine. Girls night out versus going it alone—the women win every single time. Apartment living is tough. Lonely and self conversations equal poor decisions. Here in the states, we push the lone wolf mentality and pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. Most men just don’t pick up the phone and ask for help with their feelings and their thoughts and to admit loneliness and defeat. Even if a man would, his friends don’t even necessarily have the right words or the skills to assist. I’ve seen women ask for girls nights out because they knew it was the anniversary of their friend’s trip to Hawaii last year and they didn’t want them to feel alone on that night. I’m a guy. I’m lucky to get a ‘have a good day jackass’ text from one of my buddies on my birthday. We just don’t tribe well. We don’t have the friend group structure that women do, and we’re not very attentive and it makes it really hard during this time.
Women just do a way better job with their feelings and with their communication than men. And many of our married friends, they’re on a leash. They can’t hang and they can’t hang outside of structure. They can’t travel, they can’t wing it. They can’t explore. They can’t have one more drink. They just can’t be as spontaneous as the single male. Now listen, I love my married buddies, but 90% of them can’t even relate to my issues, temptations, opportunities, and challenges. And frankly, I don’t even try to burden them at all with even putting their mind where mine is. The church married life in America is generally sterile, and they can’t see life any other way than how they’re structured with their marriage and their church.
Guys, this is where the differences between church buddies and your single college buddies come into play. Your college buddies may want you out on a Saturday night. They just want you out of the house, get out of your apartment and come meet them. Your church friends want you into their church world that they’ve created, that are pretty much built for dads and married folks. Now both are going to have value to you, to getting your single legs. Like I found balance was really nice. Activities, keeping active, wonderful. But rest is also acceptable, too. You’ve been through a lot, saying no to plenty, but don’t become reclusive to this. I said no to plenty. I wasn’t in the mood to go to a men’s deal where they’re going to talk to us how to be better husbands. That wasn’t for me, and I said no to it. That’s okay. But get out. Go for a long walk, go to a wine tasting, a movie, go to a live music event, or maybe a new restaurant, maybe the right speed for you. But bars, single parties, dating, certain lake life may need to wait or be super sparse right now.
Now I tried to live a balanced life of concerts, things of God, lake life, meditation, yoga parties, and Bible study. In the middle of my early on divorce, I bought a boat. It was the best thing for me. I spent countless hours in the coves of Lake Texoma, anchored and reading a book, taking a nap, swimming alone, watching sunsets, pretend fishing, hoping I didn’t catch a thing. It just got me out of the house. It gave me a new hobby, a place to put my mind. I spent my extra time researching, studying, preparing for my new boat ownership and lake life that was near me. To this day, I’m still involved in the lake world. I’m a member of a boat club that gives me access to like 160 lakes around the country that I can go visit and borrow a boat from each lake. It’s been wonderful for me. Maybe that’d be good for you, too. I’ll put a link on the website to this boat club that I’m in.
Okay, next. Continue your counseling. Don’t stop now. You need it more than ever. You’re likely getting horrible advice from your friends who just want you to be happy. Remember, you killed the one—the marriage. It’s dead. And now you need help unyoking and becoming you again. A new you. Not the old you. A new you. It is so hard. Ending your marriage was just one step. It may have solved a few problems, but it created many more. And you are just in no place to start running. Stay with a professional counselor. Okay, let’s discuss this dating thing a little further. Don’t date. You aren’t ready. Anybody who would take you right now isn’t worth having. If you have kids, they should be your first priority. Dating is selfish. Some of you are codependent and you don’t even know it yet. Coming out of a relationship, it seems natural to get into a new one. You’re familiar with it, and you certainly like the benefits of one. Let’s be honest. But there is no easy casual relationship that doesn’t bring complications. Feeling guilt, confusion, or a giant time suck just for the few moments of dopamine rush.
Now listen. The best version of you will catch the better next person in your life. Anyone that wants a damaged, limping person out of a divorce is selfish, stupid, or both. Maybe they’re a greedy narcissist. Invest this time in yourself with your energy and the time that you have. Don’t waste time on casual—now we’re talking about the first 90 days here. I have met some of the greatest people as a single person. And you will too. Just not now, okay? Just not now. Speaking of, don’t numb. Drinks. Pornography. Searching for those high feelings. This is tough. The endorphins are addicting. After what some of you have gone through and are even going through, you just want some small wins. This is the hard part. Numbing. These are landmines. Careful. But I’m not going to preach here, okay? I drink and I have watched porn. I say this so we can be honest and transparent. I can’t sit here and tell you to do one thing while I go do something else. So I’m admitting I’ve struggled with this. I definitely have. I don’t want to tell you don’t do it and act like I haven’t. We’re going to have an episode on sex and the Christian later and we can deep dive. This is just a warning shot to realize that some of the activities you’re doing is just numbing. Identify them and walk carefully.
Okay. Don’t celebrate if you have a divorce party. I don’t even know what that is. I’ve just seen them do it quietly. Stay off the Internet. The death of a marriage is nothing to celebrate. I found this childish, but I write it up to just friends wanting to see you smile again. They’re willing to do anything. Also may be their way to say, ‘see, I told you your ex was a jerk. Let’s go have a margarita. Let’s go to Cancun.’ You do you. But have some class. Don’t rub it into your ex or his family or his friends. Your kids and your friends are watching. Take the high road. Keep it off social media. The girl strip. The hashtag divorce party. I mean, it’s like celebrating losing a job or quitting a job. That’s not when you celebrate. Celebrate when you get a new job. Now’s not the time for divorce parties, whatever that is.
Okay, here’s a deep conversation. Many people don’t discuss the purging. I have a lot to say about this. I’m not sure there are rights and wrongs here, but just let me give you some thoughts to consider during this time where you’re going to want to purge. I’ve heard it all: complete home makeovers, for sale signs in the yard, garage sales, ordering a dumpster in front of the house and just throwing it all away. I can promise you most of us are not thinking clearly during this time. I threw out things I wish I never had. I also threw away blankets. I hated things that reminded me of her or situations. I moved things to the right place in the kitchen. I’ve always wanted this chair by the window. I’m keeping the coffee right here, and that stuff’s okay. Do what you want, but be careful. Nothing in anger, but fresh starts are wonderful. This purging is really, really therapeutic. Paint that kitchen. Throw away that couch. Keep out your favorite plates and your silverware. But maybe, just maybe, put certain things in a box and give it a year. Put it in storage. Store it in the attic. This is coming from a guy. This advice ready? Is a guy who had a backyard burn party. It was fun, it was glorious, and it was smoky. But I might have gone just a little too far. Don’t do that.
All right, the self makeover. Cut it. Grow it. Go shopping. If you can pay cash for it, go do it. You have been through hell. Live a little. See this hair I’ve got right here? I’ve got going. Do I think it looks good? I have no idea. But I’m growing it because I can. No one’s telling me not to. No one’s complaining. I’m not getting any comments. This is for me. I’ll cut it when I want, the way I want, when I want. Right now. Exercise. Drink water. Get out in the sun. Get into shape. Be as healthy as you can be. Don’t do any fad diets. Slow and steady. The new you is coming later. The future you will appreciate you making slow, wise decisions right now. Breathe. Don’t make major decisions right now other than the 20 you’re already going to be forced to do because of the divorce. I’ll repeat this. You can’t run a marathon then just take a nap. Pace yourself. It’s okay right now to pour into yourself. Breathe a little bit.
Now this one’s big. Stay around. If you have children, their lives have just been turned upside down and more is coming. Try to give them some kind of consistency, familiarity. I used to park myself right in the chair by the front door. My children could not walk from the front door to their rooms or the kitchen to the rooms without the opportunity to talk to dad. Now listen, they may not have, but they know I am there and I am available and I’m giving them consistency. Do you have family traditions? Navigate them the best you can. This one can be tricky. You don’t want your children to have to choose between your Sunday dinner and your ex’s Sunday dinner. Right. Don’t put them in that tough position. But to the best of your ability give your children safe and familiar moments. They need it right now.
You have been through hell. Most likely a little time in your bed watching Netflix is okay. An extra nap, a trip. You have a long journey ahead of yourself. Breathe and rest. You can’t run a marathon then take a nap. Your journey of recovery will not happen in these next 90 days. Rest and prepare for the journey to the new you and with your new realities. Your journey is not over. There is just ink on a paper and now your world is changing at breakneck speed. Don’t add to the chaos with some of these missteps. All right, I want you to go to toddturner.com divorce for resources and to sign up for emails as we navigate being unyoked. As a christian you got this. Let’s walk through these 1st 90 days and avoid some of these landmines. Blessings.