Todd Turner: The unyoked podcast navigating the pain, process and possibilities after a christian divorce. Let’s get the bad news out of the way. Your new reality of divorce will cause you to lose some friends. It’s just true. Some quickly, some slowly. But your friend groups will change, and you will be hurt by the losses. The seismic shift of divorce ripples into a lot of corners of our lives, and our friendships are just one of them. But some good news. Want to know who your real friends are? Go through hell and see who comes with you. Proverbs 18:24 reminds us that a good friend sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 17:17 says that a real friend loves at all times.
Divorce is painful on many fronts, but one is often unspoken when we are trying to navigate one of the worst events in our lives. When we need our friends, many start falling away. Sometimes it’s due to logistics. You had to move, you had to switch jobs, you had to pull your kid from a certain school, you had to switch your churches, or you left town, or your financial situation just doesn’t afford you the same lifestyle that you once had when you were married. And as your friends do, so many various reasons our routines change places. Thus people become awkward or even painful for us. And with the change in rhythm comes changes in our ability to engage with our friends and our friend groups.
But sometime we lose friends because people took sides. Sometimes it’s because they didn’t take a side. They made no choice. Therefore, they made a choice. And sometimes you are friends with a couple and not an individual, and that friendship is much more complex. And we’ll unpack that further in this podcast. But when it comes to friends lost with a divorce, let’s start with the main one. Often our spouse is not just our spouse, but our lover, our very best friend, the person we made decisions during pillow talk. When you hold hands with somebody while you’re driving on a road trip, and you’re talking about all your goals in life and your dreams, the person that you share coffee with in the morning, and you start your day together, the dissolving of a marriage union kills this life partner relationship, and that loss hurts over time. After a divorce, some level of friendliness can be achieved. But for many of us, it’s just not that easy.
If your divorce was one of those mutually agreed upon by both spouses because the marriage had fallen apart, or you argued all the time and you just had too many differences, well, maybe it’s not so hard to maintain a friendship, but most of us christians don’t really get out of a marriage and divorce due to mutual annulment. Most of ours are through tragedy. And so if one spouse thinks that maybe the marriage was moving along just fine and they were really blindsided, maybe they’re fine or fine enough, and then they’re blindsided by maybe an affair or drastic lifestyle change and then a divorce. You not only lose just your husband or wife, but you lose your best friend. It’s a shocker. And for those of you who your spouse was cheating with your best friend, now you’ve lost two. And those are painful losses and brutal betrayals I can’t even imagine, to be honest. But losing our best friend and life partner is a sad reality for most of us who’ve unyoked and filling that hole overnight is just not possible. And the attempts to date and to replace this person is sometimes… well, frankly, it’s just exhausting.
But let’s dig in here. First, our friend groups. Friendships go by the wayside after a divorce for really two main reasons, fear and grief. Now, fear is a driving factor. Your friends fear the unknown. They don’t know how to proceed. Many friends don’t know how to support someone who is going through a divorce. An unyoking instead of communicating with you. They may just disappear from your life because they don’t want to do the wrong thing and end up maybe making situations even worse than they are. A divorce can be especially agonizing for your friends if they were also friends with your spouse. They don’t want to choose sides. So often they decide not to choose either side. Or maybe they do choose a side and it’s not yours. It is possible that your friend may think that you treated the spouse badly and you were in the wrong about a marital matter. In these cases, they may be siding with your ex spouse. You know, it’s also possible that you may lose friends because they were friends in your spouse’s network in the first place. When the dust settles, it becomes obvious who fell away and what decisions were made by your friends.
I found it funny. My ex and I had a discussion one day and we just sort of went through some of our common friends just to sort of catch up. And I think we both realized that neither had picked a side. Like, we both got dumped. We both thought the friends were living with the exes, right, and hanging out with them, and it turned out they moved on from both of us. I think it hurts a little to be honest with you, but it just happens. Let’s talk a little bit about those couples and couple friendship dynamics, they can be much more complex. Your married or coupled friends lost a friend too. Their friend was your marriage. It broke and they don’t know how to navigate this. Sometimes it’s just because they can’t relate. They can’t see past their world, their worldview and the relationships that they create for themselves. Sometimes it puts them in a really awkward situation of choosing sides or moving the friendship to having the woman be friends with the woman and the man being friends with the man. And that really can get complex and very awkward into a bunch of he said she said. So they just don’t want to navigate it.
My marriage had three or four couples that we all hung out after the marriage. The women still hung out together and I became the odd man out. As we mentioned before on this podcast, men just don’t tribe well. And let’s face it, I don’t know if they wanted me to be their plus ones at couple events, and I don’t want to be that guy that’s the plus one anyway. Feels like that’s really… women fit into that a little bit more. I went from hanging multiple times a week with these couple of friends to not hearing from any of them for almost five years now. It’s just a very odd phenomenon. Although I do know a couple of women who are the plus ones in couple groups for dinners, pool parties, and vacations. It’s just not so much on the men’s side. It’s a very interesting thing, right?
But… All right, ladies, let’s talk about this. Some of you may face challenges in maintaining your couple friendships due to societal perceptions and fears around your newfound single status. The shift in perception from being a part of a couple which is really considered off limits and nonthreatening, to now being a single, which can sometimes lead to perceived threats to relationship of their marriage. There’s a term for this. It’s called partner poaching. It’s used to describe the fear that some individuals have of their partners being attracted to or even pursued by a newly single friend. Why this fear sort of feels juvenile, it’s way more common than you might expect. And it might explain why you’ve had some couple friends go silent. They may not word it that way.
I also know of a couple who chose one of the divorced singles to pour into, to invest into. It was on purpose. In this case, they picked the one who needed the most help, love, and guidance. Instead of going with the right person, they went with the one in the most need. So don’t assume your friends will pick the right partner and pick you. Now, some friends do try to pick the person who is doing this right, not the one who had the affair, not the one who filed for divorce just because they deserve to be happy, right? But your friends feel better knowing that they’re rewarding the good person and sometimes trashing the bad person. This too is a little bit of a juvenile way to look at it, but it just happens.
On a side note, what have I learned from being divorced and now single? So when I run into a friend or a couple navigating divorce, I now try to offer true friendship and support, the one that’s trying to navigate this event kindly and wisely and who’s owning their part of the mess. I want to be available to the person who may be in the hot mess situation, but I do let those who are sort of justifying and quitting on their families really go their own way. Maybe take the prodigal son approach. You know that story in the Bible, the dad didn’t go out to find his son, but he was looking for his return, standing there waiting for that repentance. So though I may reach out and though I may love on and not judge and push them away, I do let people go their own way. And when they’re ready to say I messed up, I’m there for them. Whether to help them maybe restore their marriage or at the very least deal with their guilt and their healing and love on them. I don’t want to scarlet letter someone just because they walked away from a marriage and I thought, well, they’ve ruined that and sucks to be you and I don’t want to be a part of your life. I just don’t see it that way anymore. I certainly did before. Listen, every story has two sides and I don’t need to know the whole truth to love on and to check in and to be there for someone.
Genuine friends don’t usually abandon you in a time of crisis to be instantly cruel. However, people handle tense situations differently, which can lead to your friends or family members leaving you to face hardships alone. Here are some of the reasons why this might happen. One: Taking sides. Some friends may feel obligated to choose a team and side with your spouse, and especially if they were friends with them first. It just becomes super challenging for them to maintain relationships with both parties. Two: Prioritizing children. If your children share the same common activities, such as attending the same school or playing together or participating in church activities, it is easier for parents to align themselves with the other parent for the sake of their children’s needs. Acceptable. Maintaining a friendship with both parties may create uncomfortable situations, so they opt to stand by the other parent. It happens. Three: Assumptions about financial difficulties. If financial circumstances change, and they always do with divorces, and you’re no longer able to participate in expensive social activities like weekend golf outings or regular lunch or spa dates, you’re naturally going to be excluded from these events just due to financial hardship or the appearance of financial hardship. Four: Family loyalty. During your marriage, you likely had an extended family through your spouse and they may have become your close friends. But after a divorce, it’s just not normal for divorced couples to maintain strong relationship with their ex spouse’s family. Loyalty often takes precedence and you may feel like you’ve lost a part of your family and close friendships that belong to your ex spouse. I know some people who are still very tight with their ex’s family members, but some of that’s just because of the guilt and the justice that they may be exuding on the situation. And they may feel guilty that their family member did something wrong or unjust to you and they are letting you know they still love you even though their brother or sister really did something stupid.
But remember, these reasons are not exhaustive and individual circumstances 100% are going to vary. But it’s essential to realize that people’s reactions and the choices in these challenging times are all going to differ and friendships are going to be affected as a result. You know the old saying, all is fair in love and war? Well, it doesn’t necessarily hold true. And these in contentious divorce situations even it’s just a chilly end to your marriage. Not all of your friends are going to know what to do and may simply retreat out of a protective nature over their own relationships. That’s just the way it is. Life is hard enough and divorce is messy. Who has the time to navigate this chaos? Consistently. It’s your divorce, not your friends. So many of them run away. Just be thankful for those that stay around and for couples who work hard to keep you in their lives and in their friend groups.
Listen, losing friends is tough. I lost a lot of friends. I lost my career, my dad, my mom, my church, my town, my neighbors, all in a matter of few years. It was brutal on me. The divorce was hard, but my friend group’s dying was super painful. Friends are the ones or should be the one anchor that you’re able to count on during this crazy time. And when they turn away and they disappear, when they go silent, it’s like another betrayal. It can really sting. I think what many friends don’t understand is that as a divorcee, our world has turned upside down. Those stable friendships are anchors. The consistency in our lives is nice not to be judged. I don’t need you to hate my ex just to know that my friend is there for me and wants me in their life when our worlds are on fire.
Now, research indicates that women experience a reduction of about 40% in their relationships following a divorce. I don’t know where that number comes from. I did look it up. The men’s may be the same or worse. I have no idea. But women have a unique issue. Women divorce can sometimes feel contagious to others. If a friend of yours marriage is unstable or it’s going through some difficulties, your friend may distance herself from you out of fear that her own marriage might end up in a very similar situation. In addition to the notion of a social contagion, the enduring stigma around divorce can also lead to your friends pulling away. Divorce is often seen as a symbol of a failed marriage or a broken family, something that carries a sense of shame, almost like wearing a giant scarlet letter. Now, this perception may have been way more prevalent in the past, but in the christian world, our group still views divorce as a sign of giving up rather than displaying strength and endurance. Furthermore, many people consider married couples as part of the mainstream and the socially acceptable, while divorced individuals are sometimes perceived as belonging to a different cultural group with more relaxed standards and morals. This distinction creates a divide in how people perceive and how they relate to those who have gone through divorce.
Even in the absence of divorce stigma, it’s crucial to acknowledge that friends often take sides, albeit not immediately, but eventually. They choose to align with one spouse over the other or neither spouse. While this can lead to polarization, it is a common occurrence in divorce. As human beings, we naturally gravitate towards the status quo, the familiar and the reliable. Divorce disrupts all of that, effectively splitting relationships right down the middle. Literally. The previously established norm might have involved intact families sitting together at their children’s soccer games, at school events, and other places, right? But however, divorce swiftly alters that structure and establishing a new normal. Divorced couples often find themselves on opposite sides of the park, opposite sides of the bleachers, physically and metaphorically. This leaves many friends caught in that middle spot uncertain about how to navigate these new dynamics. Even in good divorces, there are still two opposing sides, and friends tend to align themselves more strongly with one side over the other. But regardless of the reasons behind it, the feeling of abandonment by a close friend in a time of need can be incredibly hurtful. However, it’s equally important to recognize and appreciate the friends who share our values, who can relate to our experiences, and who can show us empathy and be there for us, especially during these challenging times.
What can we do about this giant void in our lives as newly single christians? Let me tell you how I navigated this. I reset with a friend group. I started over with a new set of friends. So here’s my story. So there was a girl, her name is Julie, that’s her real name. And we met each other on a dating app. And you know how that goes. We talked a little bit, life got in the way, we moved on. And then about a year, maybe a year later, we matched again and we just started having an adult conversation by saying, hey, I’m not even sure I’ve got time. I don’t know why I’m on here. I know why, because I’m bored. That’s the next podcast episode. We’re going to talk about the dating apps and all the mess that goes with that. But we just talked and we decided, hey, we live near one another, it would be nice to meet, she seemed like a wonderful person. And so we just decided to meet friends only and stay friends. Well, we went to a jazz concert, an outdoor jazz concert, and we sat and I think we talked for three plus hours. And it was wonderful because there was zero pressure at all to date. When you date, you’re looking for a flaw. And so when you find a flaw, you’re like, yeah, this is not my future wife, this is not my future husband. And you just sort of move on. But when you’re committed to being a friend first, you like someone, you like a lot of qualities, and they don’t have to bat 1000. So what, they have a quirk. So what, you don’t like their laugh, so what, you don’t like their style, whatever it is. And so we just enjoyed the 3 hours. And we said to ourselves, right before we left, we said, man, I wish I could do this all the time, but even with more people.
And so we decided, let’s just go make that happen. So what we did is we committed to making two bumble profiles, dating profiles, and on there we just put friends only. And so it was my job because I’m going to have women looking at my profile and she’s going to have men looking at hers to just create a friends only profile. And a lot of complications with that, a lot of funny stories because she got like 700 swipes, literally, in a week, and I got like 17. Think there’s a reason for that? Guys will swipe on a pretty girl. Girls saw pictures of me with her and group pictures, and they were a little scratching their head on that. So that was just an awkward phenomenon. But with that said, we ended up finding a group big enough of people to pull into a breakfast. We all went to a little taco shop and had a breakfast, and we all met each other face to face. And we are over a year now. We talk almost every day. We forced a friendship, and then we ended up liking each other. We found a good group, we poured in, and I literally believe I’m friends with everyone in this friend group. And I’ve taken some to plus one events for parties and concerts. And if somebody needs a plus one, they just reach out to the group. It is a true coed friend group. It has been amazing because they’re like minded, they’re in the same situations. We don’t date one another. We’re friends. Which makes things cheaper to go out, by the way, because you’re not always paying for double for dates as a guy that really matters. It removes the ups and downs and having to walk away because you notice that someone isn’t your forever person.
Okay, so your church friends is a little bit different than this group that I’ve created. Church friends, they want you to go to singles groups, which can be tricky. Listen, I don’t want to date somebody in my church. I just don’t. I don’t want to have to avoid church or events to avoid somebody. I mean, the odds are it’s not going to work. I’m not saying it’s not going to work. I’m just saying your odds are that everybody you meet is not going to be a perfect match. And I don’t like to date where I worship. It’s just awkward. And if it fails, well, then I got to switch churches because it’s awkward. Like, what if that person likes me more than I like them and it just puts it in an awkward situation. So I know people say, go meet somebody in church. Yeah, no, don’t want to. Want to meet a Christian. I want somebody who loves their church, just not my church.
Okay, now the dating pool, like finding friends online, but after navigating the complexities of dating, like, you can try to date somebody, realize they’re not your forever person, and then you can still become friends with them. And let me tell you something. I’ve ended up with some amazing friends just through dating. But I know so many people who literally, once they find out you are not their forever person, they cut you out. They don’t answer your text. They move on because they are dead serious about dating, and they don’t know how to morph into friends. I don’t even know which one’s right or wrong. I see complexities both ways. But I do like to think that if you meet somebody who’s a wonderful person, that’s not your forever person, why in the world would you not stay friends with them? I just don’t get it. But that’s me.
Okay, so let me give you the tips. Get on a bumble account. If you want to do this, make it coed. I do know somebody who did not make it coed. They love the idea of our friend group so much that they wanted to create a friend group, too. But they did a women’s friend group only. But they also just moved here from another state. They didn’t know anybody in this town in Dallas, and they decided they just wanted to bring girls in. I get it. Maybe that’s why start out with a girls friend group. I like the coed part. I don’t want a bunch of guys just to go fishing with and hunting and all the guy things. I like the coed part. I like the camaraderie. I like the conversations. I don’t know. I like hanging around women. What can I say? Women and men, because it’s so much cooler, the dynamics of a friend group that’s coed.
Also, everybody needs wise counsel, friends. If you don’t have anybody wise in your life, get one. This isn’t an easy task, and it feels kind of insincere with me even implying it’s just that easy. Go get some wise counsel. But some of you have had an opportunity to lean in, and you haven’t. Maybe you don’t like the voice of reason in your life. Maybe you don’t like to be forced to look in a mirror when they speak truth in your life. Reach out to that someone that you know is speaking truth and being very truthful and transparent and wants the best of you. Now listen, I am blessed. I have six friends that are either pastors or former pastors. I go eat lunches, have coffee regularly. We speak truth. We poke, we reveal, we pray for one another. I value their words and I value their friendships. I actually have a gold frame that I put their pictures in, and it’s in my office, and I see it every day. It’s a reminder that how much I appreciate and value and acknowledge their place in my life.
But I also have my college buddy group, the ones with the stories that embarrass you and that would bury you if they got out, right? The ones that have decades of history with me. We text weekly, we get together yearly. We’re at each other’s weddings of kids and funerals, and we’ll all run through a brick wall for each other. They have my back and it makes me feel really good, though. They love me. They love me with action. And I also have a couple of even other buddies who maybe aren’t pastors and are not my college buddies. But we have developed deep relationships and I appreciate their wisdom. I really appreciate their authenticity. Like that’s what makes me friend somebody, and their shared love of a good cigar and whiskey on the patio. We just share and do life together.
Appreciate the friends you do have. Your friends, the ones who stuck it out with you through your good decisions and your bad ones who loved you through it all. Write them a note. Thank them. Let them know how valuable they are. The Bible says if either of them falls down, one can help the other one up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up and one who has unreliable friends soon come to ruin. But there’s a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Lean in to those trustworthy friends you have. Thank them if you need to rekindle some old relationships. Have you let a few relationships slip by that you could rekindle, college roommate friends that you had? You know, technology, Facebook, social media, they do make it relatively easy to reunite with your former pals. College alumni directories, other sources help you get in touch with old friends post divorce.
Anyone pouring poor advice? Distance yourself. This is tough. Sometimes we just don’t have any options. Pray for a friend. Don’t isolate friends. Give pleasant, sincere advice seeking the highest good. Friends honor each other above themselves. My suggestions while navigating friendships post divorce: Don’t assume. Don’t put people on the spot. Don’t make people take sides. Don’t make couples take sides. And don’t try to win them over by trashing your ex. Find birds of a feather to invest into. Greater love has no one than this that someone laid down his life for his friends. Give grace. Proverbs 27:9 oil and perfume make the heart glad, but the sweetness of a friend comes from his earnest counsel. Listen. Go to toddturner.com divorce for resources to sign up for emails as we navigate being unyoked as a christian. Blessings you. Our channel.