Todd Turner [00:00:02]: The unyoked podcast navigating the pain process and possibilities after a christian divorce. If you are listening to this episode, I do not envy you. You’re going through some deep and difficult realities. Maybe you have people run your thoughts by, but maybe you don’t. Maybe they give you sound advice, maybe they don’t. I had some great wise people walk with me through my journey and the giant decisions I was forced into, and I want to help you. I have some lenses for you to put on, things to ponder, things to consider. Not all of life situations have a playbook.

Todd Turner [00:00:50]: All the dilemmas just don’t come with instructions. But worse than that, reality is the collection of bad advice and poor decisions we make after painful and traumatic events in our life. Are you highly considering a divorce? I want to start with this fight. Fight like hell for your marriage. Sacrificially fight for your marriage, for your family, for what might become of your relationship in future years. I was in the middle of an 18 month fight for my marriage. I had reached the end of my rope. We had burned through a handful of counselors, and I was walking on eggshells in my own house.

Todd Turner [00:01:35]: I was balancing what my kids and my friends needed to know or not know. I was living sleepless nights. Every conversation was exhausting. Every situation had to be assessed and measured. I asked my counselor this question and his answer was perfect. I said, steve, how long do I have to fight? When can I give up? I’m exhausted. And he said, tod, I want you to fight until you can’t fight any longer, till you can’t crawl one more inch. Then I want you to go one more mile.

Todd Turner [00:02:20]: Of all the advice I have received in the last six plus years, this was the best one. And I want to give it to you. I have run into far too many single people who are struggling with wayward children, who sit in a lonely apartment with shattered finances, who remarried too quickly. They all live with this regret, the little nagging thought, should I have toughed it out? Should I have given it one more chance? Should I have put in the work while I was married? Let me promise you, divorce has its consequences. It’s not the easy way out. You will question it all a thousand times. Your best bedfellow is peace, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that you gave your marriage and its restoration its best chance. Maybe people will know you fought.

Todd Turner [00:03:24]: Maybe your kids will know. Maybe your current spouse will one day know. But you will know. And God knows when you want to quit, when you have met all the requirements for a divorce. When you want that person out of the house, go the extra mile. Your kids are watching. And by the way, ignore anything that they say. We just want you to be happy.

Todd Turner [00:03:54]: It’s okay. Well, they may want to see a smile again on your face. They may want you happy, but they’re kids. They can’t possibly see down the road that far. They aren’t capable of weighing all the options and the consequences of these types of big decisions. Think of your future, kids. It feels a lot to ask of you, but just do your best. Role model well.

Todd Turner [00:04:23]: How to handle conflict and burdens in your life. They will see hopefully someday also. This one can be hard to swallow. For some of you listening, you can find miracles as impossible as it currently seems. Your marriage can actually be salvaged. It can actually be better. It sometimes feels like we’re swimming in the dark. But your story is not unique.

Todd Turner [00:04:56]: Listen, your marriage is 100% broken. It will never go back to the way it was. There is no going back. Your marriage is dead. But you can build a new one. It is salvageable, maybe painfully salvageable. But it is fight in the middle of this season, whether you are the one wanting out, if you’re the one trying to salvage or you’re somewhere in between, realize that God sees you and your spouse as one. Your marriage is a combining of two lives into one.

Todd Turner [00:05:37]: You may not feel like one right now. Your relationship is a hot mess, and I get it. I want to assure you that you are not alone and your situation is not unique. No matter what you’re going through. There’s most likely thousands, if not 100,000 people out that window that have experienced the same events and things that are going on in your life. You have options. You have resources. You have a big, graceful God who’s in the business of miracles.

Todd Turner [00:06:14]: We will discuss some of these options at the end of this podcast episode, so listen further. This is super important. Don’t let your church. Don’t let your friends sway your next steps. They are not walking in your shoes. Now, notice I didn’t say don’t let God sway your next steps. We want to hold his word and his law high. But we don’t have to be burdened with the opinions, wishes, hopes, and preferences of those that are not feeling your pain.

Todd Turner [00:06:49]: You will get advice to go miles that you don’t need to go. You’ll get advice telling you to jump today. These are just opinions. My advice is don’t take these decisions lightly and don’t listen to everything that you hear now this will be a little harder to swallow. The grass is not greener. Whatever you are going through feels insurmountable. And maybe it is. The other person isn’t doing their all, and maybe they are solely responsible for all the issues.

Todd Turner [00:07:30]: Alcohol abuse, finances, affairs, disrespect, mental instability, to name a few. The pain is great. The betrayal is great. You deserve better. You certainly don’t deserve this. I think of it like this. Think of the horrible situation of 911. Top of the burning towers, stuck.

Todd Turner [00:07:58]: Deciding when to burn to death and when to jump to a certain death. This is that with a divorce, most of us are just gaining new problems that we hadn’t even considered. They just feel better than our current pain. I understand it. I got it. One of the worst pieces of advice I’ve ever heard given. Sometimes it’s given by a person, and sometimes it’s that little inner voice on our own shoulders. God wants you to be happy.

Todd Turner [00:08:32]: You deserve to be happy. It’s our little justification for making big decisions. I’m here to tell you it’s a lie. Divorce will not necessarily make you happy. And that is not how we as christians make decisions. What makes us seemingly happy. Another bit of bad advice that I’ve heard frequently in christian circles is God won’t give you more than you can handle. Hogwash from the pits of hell.

Todd Turner [00:09:02]: We are frequently butted up against impossible situations where God is our only choice, our only redeemer. Don’t believe that God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. It’s not true. And we just think we can pull ourselves up with our own bootstraps and our own decisions and our own logic. It’s just not true. Let’s talk about for a minute the realities of splitting a part of a family. God sees you and your spouse as one. You both died to self and now you’re one.

Todd Turner [00:09:40]: A divorce kills that person. It’s hard on the soul. It’s hard with logistics. It’s hard on your family, on your children. It will be hard all around. Post divorce, you will most likely lose friends. Your life will be turned upside down. Your kids will be forever changed. Your finances will most likely be wrecked. You will be indescribable, lonely. Nothing will ever be the same. You are not just kicking your spouse out of your life. It’s not that simple.

Todd Turner [00:10:28]: Now I want to repeat that one more time. You are not just kicking your spouse out of your life. Sometimes it feels like that. It’s just not true. So here are some of your options. Some possible next steps for you to consider while you fight. Counseling there are professionals that help couples navigate and solve their issues. It’s healthy. If your church or pastors belittles counseling, you may have an immature shepherd leaving your flock. Ignore him or anybody else telling you that counseling isn’t helpful or can’t be helpful. Beg your partner to try and salvage your marriage.

Todd Turner [00:11:03]: You may even have to lay down an ultimatum. Seek professional help now if you say, I can’t afford this, I promise you it’s cheaper than a divorce. Bring in someone to help you and your spouse navigate and reveal the underlying issues of your marriage. The issues you’re probably dealing with are likely fruit issues, not the root issue. Find the root issue and fix it. And if that takes professional help, get it. Another next step is go to church. Maybe not your church, but in certain situations you may need to go to your church now.

Todd Turner [00:11:46]: Use discernment here. Okay? Don’t stand up in a business meeting and reveal all your marriage trash and all the garbage for everybody here. That’s not what I’m talking about. Maybe ask to speak with a pastor or an elder or a women’s leader. Frankly, many of you listening are going to fall victim. This hurts my heart to a problem with the modern church. We have really poor church discipline and we spend a lot of our time inviting non believers to our church versus nurturing the believers in the church who are navigating a broken world. But nevertheless, you can follow the Matthew 18 model of taking your spouse’s major sin to the church.

Todd Turner [00:12:29]: Too many people don’t trust the church and too many churches don’t intervene biblically. It’s true. But as I promise you, as a former church leader, it’s frustrating when a person wants to help their flock and you find out about a divorce without ever being told what was going on and how you might could have helped and prayed with that couple, navigating their issues and walking over all their situations in prayer and bathing that in good, sound advice. But give your church a chance. Reveal your mess. Help your church bear one another’s burdens. Now, side note, don’t go tit for tat on the blame game. This is really for abuse or ongoing affairs if your partner is living with a secret sin that the church most likely doesn’t know about.

Todd Turner [00:13:22]: Okay, next separation versus divorce. This is not always a wise solution, no matter what some people suggest. I know a lot of people say everybody should be separated before they file for a divorce. I disagree. If there are affairs happening, this just opens the door wider and adds stress to where is my spouse and what are they doing right now? That can be very problematic. But if you need relief and you have the desire to give your marriage even more time to heal, consider this option. I highly recommend putting parameters around the separation, or you could even have more issues to deal with later. That’s just my advice.

Todd Turner [00:14:07]: Okay, getting a lawyer 90% of most divorces start with the same simple minded statement by both parties. We’re adults. We’ll be able to divorce without much fighting. What’s theirs is theirs. What’s mine is mine. We can do this. Oh, how naive. Let me give you great advice. Your spouse may hate. Hire a lawyer. Have them fight for you, for your kids, for your future. You are not just splitting up some tvs and some albums from college. There is debt equity bills, taxes, insurance, college funds, future investments, wills, et cetera. And you will not agree. And I promise you, you’re going to disagree and you’re going to be manipulated to try to think like they do.

Todd Turner [00:15:08]: Let your lawyer do the dirty work. Now, I’ve heard it over and over. I just wanted out and I was too tired to fight. But I wish I would have now. We’re going to have more on that in future episodes, but your future self will be happy that you got help navigating issues that you just don’t have the energy to even consider right now. Now, this may sound counter to everything I just said, but there are legal options to navigating a christian divorce. There are law firms that help couples un yoke without the fight. If this is possible in your situation, I will have some resources on my website for you. Too many people went out and make hasty decisions, and I want to remind you, these moments of unyoking have decades of ramifications.

Todd Turner [00:16:04]: Think them through. In the meantime, stay off three things. One, social media. Don’t put anything about your marriage, spouse, your new lifestyle, and the events that are taking place while the divorce is processing. Don’t be passive aggressive speaking to your spouse, their lover, their friends with your post. Get off and stay off if your job requires it. Stay on track. Don’t talk about your marriage, your divorce, or Singleness or your current mood. Two, stay off dating apps. Did you know that if you date in certain states, your spouse’s lawyer can call them to the stand? Do I need to remind you you were still married until you aren’t? Not that it makes me more righteous, but I wore my ring till I walked to the car after the judge finalized the divorce in the courtroom you too can wait. It’s easy to say in your mind, oh, our marriage has been over for years. I’m ready to date wrong. You have no idea what is coming. None. Now is not that time. Trust me on this. It will be tempting. And 90% of you listening right now are not even going to listen and do it. But 10% of you that are trust me. Now is not the time to date. And now’s not the time to reach out to your old high school fling. Number three, stay off another person. You will feel lonely. You probably already feel devalued. You will love the attention. You are most likely used to frequent sex in your marriage. Or maybe you haven’t been having sex. Don’t much more on this topic, but I need to say it here, just don’t. Now for those of you listening in that aren’t dealing with this topic, you’re probably thinking, well, why would a Christian have sex at a wedlock? That’s a sin. We wouldn’t do that. Well, let me just insert my eye roll here. How about you just email me your sins and let me send you an email back saying a good Christian wouldn’t do that. This podcast is for Christians navigating a divorce where we’re going to have real talk about real problems and real challenges. If you can’t handle this kind of talk, then let us continue without you. Sex with someone right now may feel great, I can’t deny it. But trust me, just don’t. Now’s not the time. Lastly, there are so many various opinions of how to interpret scripture. I’m not pretending to have all the answers here, but I will dress an elephant in the room. You will get various opinions from Christians, pastors, denominations about what justifies a biblical divorce. There’s a saying, everyone is a theologian. You’re just either a good one or you’re a bad one or you’re somewhere in between, but you can’t play the card. Well, I just don’t know. But I deserve to be happy. Your pastor isn’t the only theologian in the room. You are too. And others are. Read, pray, and seek advice. I’ve heard people I trust and value on this one get it wrong. Way wrong. Once again, pastors are so high on teaching a genesis one and two world that as theologians they protect the sacred marriage union. And they should. But here’s what they don’t handle well is being verbally and physically abused at 02:00 a.m. While trying not to call the police and let your kid sleep in for his big test tomorrow by having to move your family because your spouse had an affair with the next door neighbor and you found yet another deleted text on their phone showing that they are still in contact. Watching your spouse leave the house on a business trip, knowing he’s going to the exact hotel that he used in the past, seeing a credit card bill higher than it’s ever been, knowing your spouse is on another spending screen that your family cannot afford, you are navigating a broken marriage in a broken world. Don’t let someone who doesn’t empathize well. Direct your next steps. Value God’s word, but know that the people giving you biblical advice of what to endure and live with haven’t and never will walk in your shoes. The Bible is very clear on some obvious grounds for divorce affairs, betrayal, grounds for divorce, physical abuse. But the Bible is not as clear on things like mental illness, various kinds of abuse, verbal, mental, financial sabotage, alcoholism, drug use, various child abuse, sexual abstinence, keeping on a ring, but not acting married living separately. Don’t feel trapped in a marriage that you feel like your church will abandon you if you exit. They may, your friends may, but God won’t. Protect your health and protect your children. To heck with anyone telling you to endure an alcohol or drug related abuse and an angry husband who lashes out at his whelm. I’m going to say it again. There are some great high profile preachers and teachers who hold their marriage theology higher than the pains of the one in trauma. They value truth over mercy. Jesus values both equally. Listen, I don’t envy you right now. Some of you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. My heart truly breaks for you. Your decision to file for a divorce is a huge one. One that affects you, your spouse, family members, kids, possibly your work, your living situation, church, friends, lots. You can’t even forecast it all. Bite. Beg your spouse for counseling, maybe even with an ultimatum. Be wise. Take all advice with a grain of salt, and when it’s time, hire a lawyer and go quiet. Now, I don’t want to be guilty of the same phenomenon I’ve been railing against most of all this podcast. And that is, I don’t want to just offer shallow advice during a time where you most likely have tried everything and you prayed it all out till you were cheerless. But I want to remind you to pray. Pray for your marriage, for strength as you navigate some tough, tough stuff. Many of you pray yourself to sleep each night. The pain is still there. The problems and the challenges, they did not disappear. Pray, but know that your God has provided you a way of escape, and you just may have to take it now. I want to pray for those that are hurting right now. Heavenly father, you are wise beyond our comprehension, holy and set apart. Full of grace, we come before you today to lift up those hurting deeply. Men and women who are enduring tough hardships in seemingly impossible situations, souls who have cried countless tears and who have endured so much. I ask you to show your grace mightily today to them. Give them a peace that only can come from you, strength that can only come from you, wisdom that comes from your word and the teachers who reveal your truth. I pray for your hands and feet here on this earth to intervene in unexpected ways. Will you bring in wise counselors, teachers, solid friends, strangers, angels, whoever can come beside those navigating these big decisions in their future and in their marriages? Bring them warm shoulders, wise words and sympathetic hearts. Lord, I pray for these marriages. Save these unions, protect these families, do miraculous restoration wherever possible. Thank you for loving us. Thank you for sending your son to us. And thank you for reaching down, coming down and walking among us. It is in the holy name of Jesus that we pray. Amen.